A-List Comedy Prep 07/09/2020

A-LIST COMEDY PREP
http://www.a-listcomedy.com

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 2020

NEED TO KNOW……

- JUST POSTED: “TICKET TO THE MOVIES”

TODAY, THURS, JUL 9

- Call of the Horizon Day

- Fashion Day

- Martyrdom of the Bab

- National Don’t Put all of your Eggs in One Omelet Day

- National No Bra Day

- National Sugar Cookie Day

Primetime Television
- “Holey Moley,” 8:00 p.m. (ET) on ABC
- “Blindspot,” 8:00 p.m. (ET) on NBC
- “Celebrity Watch Party,” 8:00 p.m. (ET) on FOX
- “Burden of Truth” Season Three Finale, 8:00 p.m. (ET) on CW
- “Don’t,” 9:00 p.m. (ET) on ABC
- “Blindspot,” 9:00 p.m. (ET) on NBC
- “Labor of Love,” 9:00 p.m. (ET) on FOX
- “In the Dark,” Season Two Finale, 9:00 p.m. (ET) on CW

Sports
- “PGA Tour Golf: Workday Charity Open, First Round” From Muirfield Village Golf Club in Dublin, Ohio, 3:00 p.m. (ET) on GOLF Channel
- “Premier League Soccer: Aston Villa vs. Manchester United FC,” 3:10 p.m. (ET) on NBCSN
- “Boxing: Carlos Takam vs. Jerry Forrest” From MGM Grand Conference Center in Las Vegas, 8:00 p.m. (ET) on ESPN

TOMORROW, FRI, JUL 10

- Clerihew Day

- Collector Car Appreciation Day

- Don’t Step on a Bee Day

- National Kitten Day

- National Piña Colada Day

- Pick Blueberries Day

- Teddy Bear Picnic Day

- World Kebab Day

Primetime Television
- “Masters of Illusion,” 8:00 p.m. (ET) on CW
- “Dateline NBC,” 9:00 p.m. (ET) on NBC
- “20/20,” 9:01 p.m. (ET) on ABC

Sports
- “PGA Tour Golf: Workday Charity Open, Second Round” From Muirfield Village Golf Club in Dublin, Ohio, 3:00 p.m. (ET) on GOLF Channel
- “WWE Friday Night SmackDown,” 8:00 p.m. (ET) on FOX
- “MLS Soccer - Group Stage: San Jose Earthquakes vs. Seattle Sounders FC,” 10:30 p.m. (ET) on ESPN


== TOP O THE NEWS ==

#
In a new interview, Kanye West said if he's elected, he would manage the White House like the fictional country Wakanda from the movie “Black Panther.” What a relief! I thought he was going to same something totally insane.

If elected, I think he’d run the White House more like “ANIMAL HOUSE.”

(https://bit.ly/2OajrWc)

#
According to the new tell-all book by President Trump's niece, the President suffered child abuse at the hands of his father. Up until now, the only one suspected of abusing President Trump was his barber.

Donald also received millions of dollars from his father. I think most of us would sign up for that kind of abuse right away!

(http://dailym.ai/3ebDb6L)

#
A Former Warden at Ghislaine Maxwell’s New York City jail says she should be on suicide watch. And when translated properly, that means “keep the Clintons as far away as humanly possible.”

(https://bit.ly/2O5cOV8)


== POLLS, STUDIES, AND SURVEYS ==

#
According to a new survey, 76% of adults admit they have gained up to sixteen pounds since the lockdowns began. The other 24% couldn't respond because their mouths were full.

All hope for a summer beach body is gone. Now, it’s more like a summer beached whale body.

(https://bit.ly/3gyh3F0)

#
A StudyFinds survey shows that just 8% of adults would vote for Kanye West over Donald Trump or Joe Biden in the upcoming election. And 100% of us can’t believe we have to choose between these three clowns.

Kanye also recently said that he no longer supports President Trump. Finally, it's about time Trump got some good news.

(https://bit.ly/3gC12Or)


== AROUND THE NATION ==

#
President Trump put the nation's schools on notice yesterday (Wednesday) that he may cut off their funding if they don't reopen their classrooms this fall. This issue has caused a lot of division. Which also happens to be the thing that caused Trump to flunk math.

I want to review school budgets on paper. It would be nice to see a breakdown - after all, under common core you have to show your work.

(https://bit.ly/2Cgx0B2)

#
Per USA Today, Young Black Voters say they aren't enthusiastic about a Joe Biden presidency. I guess Joe’s “You Ain’t Black!” rhetoric hasn’t worked so well…

Young Black Voters are focusing on their communities right now, which are largely in a state of chaos. Meanwhile, Biden is constantly in a state of CONFUSION.

(https://bit.ly/2Cgml9u)

#
A Florida Man's viral outburst over Costco's mask policy cost him his job at insurance company. Hopefully he learned his lesson and will be wearing a mask when he’s on the unemployment line.

(https://yhoo.it/2Z9JiUx)


== AROUND THE GLOBE ==

#
Africa now has more than a half-million confirmed cases of COVID-19. Needless to say, Democrats are urging Trump to hold his next rally there.

Well, it looks like it’s time for another remake of “The Lion King.” In this one, Mufasa catches Corona and Simba takes to Twitter to complain about how politicians aren’t doing enough.

(https://bit.ly/3f6qOKl)

#
Italian beach nudists were fined as Italian authorities continue to enforce restrictions in order to curb the spread of the lingering Coronavirus pandemic. We all know that Italians love their sausage, but now is not the time to whip it out!

(https://fxn.ws/3eaHzCM)


== SHOW BIZ BUZZ ==

#
The hit reality show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” was described as a “toxic environment” by Kourtney Kardashian. This is new for the Kardashian girls. The only things in their lives usually described as “toxic” are their STD panels.

Yeah, the other Kardashian girls are just trying to stay positive…while avoiding TESTING positive.

Kourtney says she values her privacy now, which is why she left the program. Going forward, all sex-tapes recorded will be for her eyes only!

(https://bit.ly/3iK8rNl)

#
With the success of “Hamilton” on Disney+, live capture could be Broadway’s next act. Sure, Hamilton is working out well, but there’s two sides to every coin. Let’s not forget what happened with “CATS.”

Hamilton has gotten rave reviews since being released on Disney+. Meanwhile, CATS is still the biggest pile of poop in the litter-box.

(https://bit.ly/3iKrp6v)


== CELEBRITY DRIVEL ==

#
Gwyneth Paltrow says she bought her son a $40-dollar puzzle titled “Boobs,” which features drawings of breasts of various shapes, sizes, and colors. This makes me yearn for the good ol’ days when Gwyneth was just selling vagina-scented candles.

Hey, I’ve seen this puzzle before! It’s the same one Melania bought Donald for his birthday!

(https://pge.sx/31V5S58)

#
Meghan Markle was allegedly frustrated by the way the palace handled “untrue” tabloid stories before she stepped back from her official duties as a senior royal. Harry and Megan have only been in the U.S.A. for a little while and they’re already crying “Fake News!”

Meghan was upset about what the British tabloids were saying about her. Meanwhile, the ones badmouthing her the most were the British ROYALS.

(https://fxn.ws/3iBJkMK)

#
Sadie Robertson and her husband Christian Huff recently went on a fun beach adventure, calling it “God’s playground.”  Most of you are probably thinking what I thought when I first saw these two names - WHO?!

Sadie Robertson is known for the reality T.V. series “Duck Dynasty.” So, she might’ve got some color at the beach, but her neck was already red!

(https://fxn.ws/31VIzrV)


== SPORTS SPURTS ==

#
Patrick Mahomes said his $503 million deal with the Chiefs prohibits him from taking part in physical activities like baseball, basketball, and jet skiing. I’m sure physical fitness is still allowed, though. Hopefully he can still do laps in his swimming pool filled with $100-dollar bills.

(https://fxn.ws/3fcA5Au)

#
The PGA Tour’s Ryder Cup at Whistling Straits Golf Course has been postponed to 2021 and the Presidents Cup to 2022 amid the Coronavirus pandemic. So, the next time a friend or family member is watching golf on TV, make sure to wake them up and let ’em know.

(https://bit.ly/3gEAcoV)

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ON THIS DAY……

JUL 9, 1401
Turko-Mongol ruler Tamerlane (Timur) destroys Baghdad, killing 20,000

JUL 9, 1536
French navigator Jacques Cartier returns to Saint-Malo from Canada

JUL 9, 1776
The Declaration of Independence is read to George Washington's troops (New York)

JUL 9, 1807
The second Treaty of Tilsit is signed by France, Russia, and Prussia

JUL 9, 1815
The first natural gas well in the U.S. is discovered

JUL 9, 1868
Louisiana and South Carolina are the last states to ratify the 14th Amendment to the United States Constitution, guaranteeing civil rights

JUL 9, 1893
Surgeon Daniel Williams performs the first successful open-heart surgery without anesthesia

JUL 9, 1900
The Commonwealth of Australia is established by the British House of Commons

JUL 9, 1914
The Boston Red Sox purchase future Baseball Hall of Fame slugger Babe Ruth's contract from the Baltimore Orioles

JUL 9, 1926
Chinese Military and Political Leader Chiang Kai-shek is appointed to national-revolutionary supreme commander in China

JUL 9, 1934
SS-Reichsfuehrer Heinrich Himmler takes command of German Concentration Camps

JUL 9, 1947
Engagement of Britain's Princess Elizabeth and Lieutenant Philip Mountbatten

JUL 9, 1951
U.S. President Harry Truman asks Congress to formally end the state of war with Germany

JUL 9, 1955
Bill Haley & Comets' “Rock Around the Clock” tops the billboards chart

JUL 9, 1955
The Russell-Einstein Manifesto is released by Bertrand Russell in London on the need to avoid nuclear war

JUL 9, 1956
Dick Clark's first appearance as the host of American Bandstand

JUL 9, 1962
Andy Warhol's first West Coast gallery exhibition in the Ferus Gallery of Los Angeles

JUL 9, 1968
Wilt Chamberlain becomes the first reigning NBA MVP to be traded the next season when he moves from the Philadelphia 76'ers to the L.A. Lakers

JUL 9, 1971
Politician Henry Kissinger visits the People's Republic of China to negotiate a detente between the U.S. and China

JUL 9, 1972
The first tour of Paul McCartney & Wings (France)

JUL 9, 1974
Pierre Trudeau's Liberal Party wins the Canadian parliamentary election

JUL 9, 1980
Seven die in a stampede to see Pope John Paul II in Brazil

JUL 9, 1988
MLB Pitching Legend Nolan Ryan is the seventh player to win one hundred games on two teams, as the Astros beat the Mets 6-3

JUL 9, 1995
Former South African President F. W. de Klerk is implicated of knowing and condoning a 'dirty tricks' campaign that was waged against the ANC between 1990 and the 1994 election in a bid to destabilize the organization

JUL 9, 2001
“The Office” mockumentary created by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, starring Ricky Gervais and Martin Freeman, premieres on BBC Two in the UK

JUL 9, 2017
CEO Elon Musk is the first owner of Tesla's first mass market electric car - the Model 3

JUL 9, 2018
U.S. President Donald Trump names Brett Kavanaugh as his Supreme Court nominee

- - - - - -

PLANNING AHEAD……

FOR FRI JUL 10

- 1629 ….. The first non-Separatist Congregational Church in the U.S. is founded (in Salem, Massachusetts)
- 1778 ..... American Revolution: Louis XVI of France declares war on the Kingdom of Great Britain
- 1780 ..... Military Leader Comte de Rochambeau and his French force of 7,000 land at Newport, Rhode Island, to join the American Revolutionary War
- 1796 ..... Mathematician, Astronomer, and Physicist Carl Friedrich Gauss discovers that every positive integer is representable as a sum of at most three triangular numbers
- 1850 ..... Millard Fillmore is sworn in as President of the U.S. (replacing Taylor)
- 1890 ..... Wyoming becomes the 44th state of the U.S. (first with female suffrage)
- 1919 ..... U.S. President Woodrow Wilson personally delivers the Treaty of Versailles to the Senate
- 1933 ..... The first police radio system is operated (in Eastchester Township, NY)
- 1934 ..... The first sitting U.S. President to visit South America (FDR in Colombia)
- 1938 ..... Aviator and Businessman Howard Hughes flies around the world in ninety-one hours
- 1942 ..... Leading Nazi and Reichsführer of the SS Heinrich Himmler orders the sterilization of all Jewish women in the Ravensbruck Camp
- 1944 ..... “Father of Medicare” Tommy Douglas becomes the seventh Premier of Saskatchewan
- 1962 ..... Martin Luther King Jr. is arrested during a demonstration in Georgia
- 1965 ….. The Rolling Stones score their first U.S. #1 single with the song “(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"
- 1971 ..... The National Women's Political Caucus (NWPC) is founded in the U.S. by women including Bella Abzug, Betty Friedan, Shirley Chisholm, Myrlie Evers-Williams, and Gloria Steinem
- 1978 ….. “World News Tonight” premieres on ABC with Max Robinson, the first black anchor on a network newscast in the U.S.
- 1981 ..... “Escape from New York,” directed by John Carpenter and starring Kurt Russell and Donald Pleasence, premieres in the U.S.
- 1982 ..... Inventor Samuel Morse's “Gallery of the Louvre” sells for $3,250,000
- 1985 ..... French foreign intelligence agents blow up the Greenpeace boat Rainbow Warrior in Auckland harbor, New Zealand to prevent it from interfering with French nuclear tests in the South Pacific; Dutch photographer Fernando Pereira is killed
- 1985 ..... Playboy (and also Penthouse) publish nude pictures of Madonna
- 1991 ..... Boris Yeltsin is sworn in as the first elected President of the Russian Federation
- 2000 ..... Coldplay release their debut album “Parachutes” (Grammy Award Best Alternative Album 2002)
- 2002 ..... The tenth ESPY Awards: Tiger Woods and Venus Williams win awards
- 2012 ….. The American Episcopal Church becomes the first to approve a rite for blessing gay marriages
- 2018 ….. Drake surpasses The Beatles record of most singles in Billboard Hot One 100 with seven against their five from his album “Scorpion”
- 2019 ….. Taylor Swift is named the world's highest paid entertainer by Forbes earning $185 million in 2018

- - - - - - -

BIRTHDAYS FOR JUL 9

- Mitchel Musso: 29 (Actor, musician, and singer; best known for his three Disney Channel roles as Oliver Oken/Mike Standley III in “Hannah Montana,” Jeremy Johnson in the animated series “Phineas and Ferb,” and King Brady on “Pair of Kings”)
- Linda Park: 42 (Korean-American actress; mainly known for her portrayal of communications officer character Hoshi Sato in the television series “Star Trek: Enterprise”)
- Dan Estrin: 44 (Musician; best known as the lead guitarist and backing vocalist for the pop-rock band “Hoobastank”)
- Fred Savage: 44 (Actor, director, and producer; best known for his role as Kevin Arnold in the American television series “The Wonder Years”)
- Isaac Brock: 45 (Musician; best known as the lead singer, guitarist, banjoist, and songwriter for the American indie rock band “Modest Mouse”)
- Jack White: 45 (Singer and songwriter; best known as the lead singer and guitarist of the duo “The White Stripes,” but has also had success in other bands and as a solo artist)
- Pamela Adlon: 54 (Actress, voice actress, screenwriter, producer, and director; she voiced Bobby Hill on the animated comedy series “King of the Hill,” for which she won a Primetime Emmy Award)
- David O’Hara: 55 (Scottish actor; had a memorable role as the 'mad' Irishman Stephen in “Braveheart”)
- Frank Bello: 55 (Italian American musician; plays bass guitar for the thrash metal band “Anthrax”)
- Courtney Love: 56 (Singer, songwriter, actress, and visual artist; rose to prominence as the lead vocalist of the alternative rock band “Hole”, which she formed in 1989)
- Jim Kerr: 61 (Scottish singer-songwriter; best known as the lead singer of the rock band “Simple Minds’)
- Kelly McGillis: 63 (Actress; widely known for her film role as Rachel Lapp in “Witness” with Harrison Ford, for which she received Golden Globe and BAFTA nominations)
- Marc Almond: 63 (English singer-songwriter and musician; Almond first began performing and recording in the synthpop/new wave duo “Soft Cell”)
- Tom Hanks: 64 (Actor and filmmaker; won a Golden Globe Award and an Academy Award for Best Actor for his role in “Philadelphia”)
- Jimmy Smits: 65 (Actor; best known for his role as Bail Organa in the “Star Wars” prequel trilogy and “Rogue One”)
- Chris Cooper: 69 (Actor; won both the Academy Award and Golden Globe Award for Best Supporting Actor for his role in the film “Adaptation”)
- O.J. Simpson: 73 (Former National Football League running back, broadcaster, actor, advertising spokesman, and convicted felon)
- Richard Roundtree: 78 (Actor; he has been called “the first black action hero” for his portrayal of private detective John Shaft in the 1971 film “Shaft”)
- James Hampton: 84 (Actor, television director, and screenwriter; known for his role as Harold Howard in “Teen Wolf”)
- Ed Ames: 93 (Pop singer and actor; known for playing Mingo in the television series “Daniel Boone,” and for his pop hits of the 1960s including “My Cup Runneth Over,” “Who Will Answer?” and “When the Snow is on the Roses”)

- - - - - - -

AND TODAY’S GENIUS AWARD GOES TO……

    An Ohio man was arrested after Akron police said he caused damage inside a Subway restaurant, made his own sandwich, and pocketed a block of cheese – all while intoxicated.
    According to WJW-TV, 44-year-old Don Peters is facing charges of disorderly conduct, violating the open-container law, and criminal damaging in connection with the incident, which took place shortly before 1:00 p.m. Saturday at the restaurant.
    Subway employees alleged that Peters, who appeared to be drunk, walked into the restaurant and ordered employees to make him something to eat. Peters then took matters into his own hands, damaging plexiglass before going behind the restaurant counter and making a sandwich. Officers responded to the scene and arrested Peters, who was carrying Subway cheese and a vodka bottle in his pockets.

    This guy got drunk, made a sandwich, and stole cheese. It sounds like the average interview for a Subway Employee.

    He’ll regret this terrible decision down the road. And by “terrible decision” I mean eating Subway’s food.

    (https://bit.ly/3e4dgO8)

AND THEN THERE’S……

    A police chase in Oregon ended when a driver fleeing authorities in a stolen car crashed into a woman driving another stolen car. The debacle took place Monday when police responded to a report of a stolen Toyota Land Cruiser driving through downtown Newberg, according to the Newberg-Dundee Police.
    A pursuit ensued, and lasted for several blocks until the driver crashed into another car near an intersection. Cops identified the driver of the first car as Randy Lee Cooper of Portland. After taking Cooper into custody, the police then realized that the second car was also reported stolen in an unrelated crime three weeks ago.
    The driver of that car, Kristin Nicole Begue, was also found to be under the influence. Cooper was charged with unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, attempting to elude police, assault and reckless driving.

    What are the odds of a man driving a stolen car crashing into a woman driving a stolen car? It sounds like a rom-com - “When Harry was Incarcerated with Sally.”

    This guy sounds like he’s awful at grand theft auto. He should’ve just stayed home and stuck with the video game instead.

    (https://bit.ly/3gChSNa)

OR HOW ABOUT……

    The brother of an Arkansas mayor was arrested Monday night for allegedly stealing a car with two children inside. Darrell Lamont Scott — brother of Little Rock Mayor Frank Scott Jr. — hopped into the car as the engine was running in the parking lot outside Baptist Hospital.
    “Don’t worry, I’m the mayor’s brother,” 31-year-old Darrell told the children’s parents after grabbing one of the kids’ cellphones to speak to them after the abduction. Scott is accused of driving with the kids to McCain Mall in North Little Rock, where he was later arrested in the parking lot.
    Mayor Scott addressed his sibling’s arrest in a statement posted to Twitter. “This is an extremely difficult season in the life of my younger brother,” he wrote. We are seeking medical and professional help as he manages this crisis.

    He stole a car with kids inside, but clearly didn’t get far. I bet he pulled over and gave up after the fifteenth “Are we there yet?!”

    After being in a car with kids, sitting in the back of a police car is a pleasure.

    (https://bit.ly/2VZYkKF)

OKAY, ONE MORE……

    A wedding photo shoot on a California beach ended in near disaster when the newlyweds were swept from a large rock by a giant wave.
    A witness captured video of the scene near the Montage Hotel in Laguna Beach when the couple, dressed in their wedding garb, were hit by a giant wave and swept into the water.
    The video shows a team of lifeguards hurrying to rescue the drenched, but uninjured, couple. The National Weather Service issued a warning this week of unusually high waves in the area and potential rip currents during the weekend.

    He swept her off her feet. Then the giant wave swept them BOTH of their feet.

    This is a tough way to start your marriage. You definitely want things to get wet n’ wild, but not like this!

    (https://bit.ly/2ZVyY1Y)

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BENCHMARK GAMES

== GOLF COURSE OR REHAB ==

I’m going to read you the name of a business and I want you to tell me if it’s a GOLF COURSE or a REHAB.

Fresh Meadow in Lake Success, New York ….. GOLF COURSE

Pine Brook in Manalapan Township, New Jersey ….. GOLF COURSE

Murphy Hill in Glastonbury, Connecticut ….. REHAB

Harmony Hill in Colts Neck, New Jersey ….. GOLF COURSE

Blue Ridge in Ball Ground, Georgia ….. REHAB

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BEST TWEETS

Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes…My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill. So, I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card.

Sarah Cooper @sarahcpr…My anxiety feels like... at any second, I'm going to be fired from a job I don't have.

That Mom Tho @mom_tho…Have kids so you can fondly remember how quiet your life used to be.

Makayla Edwards @makaylajedward…Iced coffee is the most important meal of the day.

Ozzy UNC @ozzyunc…People are like dinosaurs: fun to learn about but I wouldn't want to meet any in real life.

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THOUGHT OF THE DAY

    Just once in my life, I’d actually like to see a liar’s pants catch on fire.

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== THE RED PHONE ==

Got an idea for a feature we could add to the prep? Our head writer Jimmy Failla would love to hear from you! 
Jimmy@a-listcomedy.com

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A-List Comedy, LLC All Rights Reserved. Written by Jimmy Failla, Ron Stevens, and Luke Spallino
http://www.a-listcomedy.com